Yer Minatare News & Gossip

Send your Minatare News & Gossip to barney@minatarenebraska.com for inclusion on this page, you may request that your news/gossip be posted anonymously. Comments from myself within user submitted gossip or news stories will be printed in red italics.

News - December 1, 2007: Yeah, it's been about a year and a half since this page has been updated, that's because I've been waiting that long for something "new" to happen around this shïthöle. Well, we started out the year with a bang (literally) and a double homicide on January 27th. They just sentenced the shooter yesterday to an indefinite life sentence, and the douche bag was actually stupid enough to blame one of the victims for his actions in court. I wouldn't be surpised if this former Minatard gets one of those Darwin Awards. Here's a song you'll be singing soon! Then, when it looked like things had calmed down around here and returned to "normal" for Minatare, November showed us that Minatare was home to two female money thieves. The first one was on November 8, a Minatare woman was charged with felony theft by defrauding Social Security for tutoring of her stepson and all she taught him was how to cheat taxpayers. The second one was on November 20, a Minatare woman got busted for embezzling roughly $234,000 from Panhandle Mental Health and was actually stupid enough to write all of the checks to herself (and thought nobody would ever catch on). If history is a guide, then it's highly unlikely that either of these two Minatards will serve any jail time, they'll just get probation and ordered to make restitution. In other news for the year, the hamburger stand that operated out of a trailer house at the corner of 4th and Main went out of business, and only one of our two bars is still open for business (but they're both up for sale). The one that's still running has a nice mural painted on the east side, which was painted by Minatare high school students. Yes, you read that right, they actually had high school kids paint a picture on the side of one of the local bars. One has to wonder how this idea came to light. Did the school take them on a field trip to show them where their parents met and so they could see the parking lot they were conceived in? I just can't wait to see what kind of web-fodder 2008 brings us!

Gossip - July 17, 2006: (Submitted by Dõctõr Démêntø) I was talking to one of my neighbors this morning and she said she heard from one of the city council members that I was the one running your website. What's funnier yet is that she said this council member asked her if it was difficult to live next to such an asshöle. Apparently she doesn't seem to understand this council member's point in referring to me as an asshöle because her and I get along great. But, I guess since I've contributed content here in the past, the lame-brain city council members and city employees (no need to specify "brain", they're just lame all the way around) think I'm the one running the show here. Nope, I'm just the guy that pissed them off by only paying them 53 cents instead of $1.06 since their semi-retarded mosquito sprayer only sprayed by my house two times last month. I guess that's what qualifies me as an asshöle, or maybe it's the fact that I took a picture of him a couple weeks ago running the mosquito sprayer down by 4th and Avenue C when the wind was blowing 22 mph. Oddly enough, the next evening the wind was only blowing between 6 mph and 9 mph, 74 degrees, no rain, yet he wasn't out spraying. Looks like he needs to take those certification classes over again. Maybe I'll really piss them off next month and plant a tree without getting a building permit. (For those of you who are unaware, the city office included a letter in everybody's June 2006 water/sewage/trash bill telling them that they actually needed to obtain a building permit to plant a tree or put up a fence. Tom, Carolyn, and everybody else on the council - lots of luck getting that tree planting scam enforced and not overturned by the state's attorney general. Ever heard of something called a seed? -=>Pinheads<=-)

Gossip - June 5, 2006: (Submitted by Señor Senior Citizen) Here we go again, the county assessor is raising property taxes in Minatare even though the town keeps going further down the shïtter and more houses are piling up with "For Sale" signs in front of them. I can think of 3 houses on my street that went up for sale in the past 2 years and they still haven't sold. Why not? Blame the feedlot for letting their stink and mosquitos get more and more out of control every year. This year, I actually saw mosquitos hovering outside of one of my west windows in the middle of March. I guess the genius that's supposed to run the mosquito sprayer missed the day in class when they taught you why you need to kill them before they multiply. For those of you that don't remember, the county health department used to spray the town once per week and only charged the city $25 per trip. At some point in time, the city council came up with this notion that they could do a better job by spraying the town more frequently and only add a measly $1 per month to each residents' water bill. However, even though there are 326 households (according to the 2000 census) paying the city $1 per month all year long, we're lucky if we see the mosquito sprayer once per month - LONG AFTER WE'VE ALREADY GOT A HOPELESS INFESTATION! Every excuse they've ever come up with for not spraying was hopelessly transparent too. Look, all that matters is that it is above 60 degrees, no rain, no winds greater than 10 miles per hour, and they can run their sprayer. The $300+ per month they make off of us is more than enough to pay for the chemical and labor to spray 3 times per week too. But, here we are 2 weeks away from the first day of summer, already with a serious infestation problem that can only be cured by a 2 week long hard freeze. I bet they'd shït all over themselves down at the city office if they got hit with a class action lawsuit for recklessly putting the residents of Minatare at risk of contracting West Nile Virus, even though they charge us all year long for protection against the problem which they don't provide....Hey, now there's an idea!

News - April 19, 2006: A vacant Minatare trailer was destroyed in a Tuesday afternoon fire. Minatare Fire Chief Töm C@së says his firefighters were able to keep the fire from spreading to neighboring trailers despite the high winds that gusted to over fifty miles per hour. C@së says the trailer was located in the Fîêld Stônê Tr@îlêr Côûrt on the southeast end of Minatare. C@se says it was being remodeled so it could be ready to rent next week. The cause of the fire is still under investigation. Damage is estimated at $20,000. (Holy shït, the city's one and only certified mosquito sprayer, head of city maintenance, and city manager, is also the city's fire chief? Damn, is he also the "Justice Of The Peace" and president of the "Chamber of Commerce" too? Hell, he should change his name to Andy Griffith and Minatare should change its name to Mayberry. Hey, maybe I can be Barney Fife! That part about the $20,000 damage is puzzling. Considering the fact that damn near all of those dives in that trailer park are vacant and uninhabitable, the only thing out there that's worth $20,000 is all of the lots combined and it would have been a major improvement all the way around to let mother nature burn it all to the ground. Man, I hope like hell someone competent is in charge of the investigation. If our "Fire Chief" does it, he'll just arrive at the conclusion that the cause was "something got hot enough to start a fire and caused the trailer to burn down". OK, so here's the real "burning" question - if there was $20,000 damage, how much improvement was there?)

Gossip - April 10, 2006: (Submitted by Härrÿ Whö?) Okay, somebody help me make sense out of this. I get my water bill this month, and it also contains two additional pieces of paper in it, one of them is telling me about the high contaminate levels in the city water (there's a big freakin surprise with that feedlot constantly leeching shït into the water table) and the other one contains a bunch of mindless babble about upcoming Minatare events (oh boy, I better cancel that Las Vegas vacation now) and other stupid shït about the "Minatare Chamber of Commerce". Aside from two bars, a grocery store, a pre-school, two little beauty shops, a hamburger stand that operates out of a trailer (yet another freakin surprise), a bank that's actually based out of Scottsbluff, and some form of fabrication shop that the city council tried to keep from going into business with bullshït city ordinances that they seemed to make up as they went along, I don't see anything else on main street that even resembles a business or a chamber of commerce. I can't find it in the phone book or any reference to it on the US Chamber of Commerce website. Aside from the fact that the chamber of commerce in any town is just for show since they never do anything real useful (unless you have a serious affinity for circle-jerks) I'm trying to figure out exactly who the hell thinks there is enough business in this hole in the ground to justify the need for one, even if it is nothing but an imaginary entity. Let me guess, the Minatare Chamber of Commerce is located right across the street from the new "University of Nebraska Minatare"?

Gossip - March 12, 2006: (Submitted by Ýér Mómmá) This is just my opinion, but I think the reason nobody else is "running for office" in Minatare is because there's no benefit to it. I don't know what the exact numbers are, but I heard once that the mayor gets paid around $100 per month and city council members get paid less than $50 per month for their "work". (I also heard that you can only get on the city council here if you have a mustache, and that rule also applies to female city council members too.) Either way, everybody that's ever been on the city council always went into it with big plans of making changes and pulling this town out of the shïtter, but so far nobody has ever been able to do anything but make matters worse. When you really think about it, they never accomplish anything more than putting on a little play once a month that makes them think they're doing something productive or important. (FYI, it's called a circle-jerk.) The only thing I've seen them do that was even slightly impressive was that they pissed off their buliding inspector with their retarded "clean up Minatare" campaign by causing him to make so many new enemies that he quit on them. I just basically sit back and laugh at them and every new little ordinance they come up with because a person can just go over their heads and report any problem with it to the state's attorney general and make their new ordinance vaporize in their face. I figure I'll own my house longer than any one of those bozos will be "in office", so I'll just sit back and have a laugh at their expense every time they try to convince people here that they're doing anything worthwhile. Hell, this website is the most impressive thing I've ever seen come out of this town, and they had nothing to do with it.....Or did they? (Not directly, they just inspired the site.)

News - February 22, 2006: I have the feeling that the city of Manuretare or their buddy Max must have realized that all of the web search engine caches have a copy of this website stored indefinitely under the minatare.net and minatare.org domain names. I noticed again today that they still point to this website, and the guy that signed them over to me in January says that they were definitely hijacked out of his account on the 13th of this month. So I'm guessing they all realize those domain names are basically ruined and totally useless now. How funny, pay GoDaddy.com $75.00 per hour to investigate some little league pissing contest that you're paying a local attorney hundreds of dollars per hour to coach, and then realize that all you got for your money was useless garbage. Talk about priceless! (UPDATE: It appears that the city's buddy Max who hijacked the domain names in the first place ended up transferring both of them to my Yahoo address today. I just checked my mail and there was a message in there from GoDaddy.com telling me that a transfer of minatare.net and minatare.org was pending and there were two authorization codes in the message. I just followed the three steps in the message and suddenly the domains were in my name. What a kick in the shorts, I'd love to hear the reason for that decision! But it still doesn't change my opinion of him and I'm not removing anything from this website for him giving my domains back.)

News - February 17, 2006: I found out today that one of the former owners of the company that used to host minatare.net (his name rhymes with the name of this domain) got some local hick attorney to bullshït GoDaddy.com into believing that he actually owns minatare.net and minatare.org and had them transferred into his name. This is the same dolt discussed in the 2-16-2006 fan mail, that'll explain everything for you. So, today I had a friend register minatarenebraska.com under a different user account and purchased it by proxy, then pointed it to this website. Hey, it's a better domain name anyway because it also has the state name in it too. Since that other douche bag's vaporized business was never connected with this new domain name, his chances of hijacking it are a big fat zero. I guess since he knows that he is never going to get his investment back out of that business, he's on a domain hijacking spree now in order to make everyone as miserable as he is. Losing your ass on investments because you're too stupid to be part of the business that you invested in can make you do a lot of strange things. Hey man, whatever turns your crank. But, I do have a burning question to ask you. Are you really having fun spending all that money to put on your "I'm so influential" act? I'm just curious, because I still think you're just a no-talent wussy, no matter how much money you spend putting on your little carnival side-show. You're just proving how desperate you are to impress somebody, anybody, in this world that's bored enough to pay attention to you. Keep on spending, I find it quite amusing, tool!

Gossip - February 10, 2006: (Submitted by Härrÿ Whö?) I just received an email telling me that a woman on the Manuretare city council was taking some kind of a survey at the last meeting asking if the former lessor of minatare.net is running this website. I'm amazed at how people here don't seem to have a problem making total asses of themselves while they're drunk in a local bar or getting busted for smoking a joint in the alley with their spouses and children. But when somebody puts up a satire/parody website poking fun at the town and pointing out the stupid and foolish things about it, they start up a full scale witch hunt and send the city attorney on a wild goose chase threatening to sue people that he knows he has no valid case against. Will these hicks ever get a clue? There are enough links on this website to choke a horse, pointing to legal references proving that there is nothing illegal about it. Christ, just get over it you hicks and have a laugh already, plenty of sensible minded people are getting one hell of a good laugh out this website. Oh, and for the idiot mentioned in the news story here on February 4th, SMOOTH MOVE EX-LAX!

News - February 4, 2006: Damn, looks like one of the owners of the company that used to host the minatare.net domain got his panties all up in a wad and dissolved the company because his head got stuck in his rectum and somehow convinced himself that the brains of his business was running this website. I bet that genius was surprised as hell to see this site was still up and running after he had their servers shut down. Now there's a brainiac who should be buying a house and moving to Minatare, people with those mail-order business degrees fit in real well here. I'd love to know what he told all of their customers when he got the nerve to shut down all of their servers with no advance notice (bang up job there, slurpie). The brains of the business says he already found new work with new competent business partners (heavy emphasis on the word competent) and he's still in business, so I'm happy for him. I just can't help but laugh at the business idiot's mentality (Let's see, I think my computer guy is running this web site on our servers. So, I'm going to kill off everything, including our customers' websites and email, all at once, and not warn any of them). Sounds like he really earned that business management degree with flying 1.2 GPA colors. I wish I had a "biggest tool of 2006" award for him, he certainly earned one. I think it's safe to say there's a village somewhere missing their idiot.

News - February 3, 2006: It appears that the city of Manuretare, I mean, Minatare, tried sicking their city attorney on the previous owners of minatare.net yesterday thinking that they still own this site and are up to something illegal here. I don't know where these mail-order college degree holders come from, but they'd have an impossible time proving any criminal activity here, and even a civil court case based on slander/libel/defamation would be a bitch to prove unless the city office could prove that this website cost them significant sales. There's a good one, they'd have to bring a bunch of mentally competent witnesses into court to say "I was sure the city put up that website and everything on it was for real, so I refused to pay my water bill in order to get back at them for offending me". I think somebody needs to spend a little more time reading the US constitution and studying their case law CD ROM discs. I wish I was a bartender so I could serve up a round of clues for everybody that desperately needs one.

Gossip - February 1, 2006: (Submitted by Ýér Mómmá) I wanted to convey a sincere thank you to minatarerocks@hotmail.com for their fan mail to the webmaster yesterday. Little do you know, but you actually ended up lending credibility to things that were originally jokes and parodies on this website. I hate to rain all over your parade, but everybody I've sent links to this website think it's one of the funniest websites they've ever seen and most of those people are from Minatare. Best of all, most of them have set this site as their home page in their web browser. One of them actually went so far as to say that they think the webmaster here should write for Saturday Night Live. (Awe shucks, t'wernt nuthin'.) I do have one serious question, though. Exactly where do the "elite, high on the hog, sophisiticated, upper crust, society members" hang out in Minatare? I'd just like to know where you and the rest of these people get together to eat your caviar and sip champagne, since there are no more lodges around here anymore. I'm also still very curious about what you think anybody could sue the webmaster for. Did our highly educated city council recently form a thought police squad? I didn't see anything about that mentioned in any of the council meeting minutes. Damn, damn, damn, when were they planning to make the official announcement? That pisses me off! (You're hired! You can write for this website any time!)

Gossip - January 31, 2006: (Submitted by Dõctõr Démêntø) Now this is just beyond funny. Today, the Minatare city highway sign says "Minatare, The Good Life". (Is that the absolute best that the mental giants at the city office can come up with?) For starters, that's just a plagiarized slogan stolen from the "Welcome To Nebraska" signs you find at any highway crossing the border of Nebraska and any other neighboring state. Plus, it's just totally freakin' laughable when you consider what these dolts are calling "The Good Life"! (Yeah, my idea of the good life is living in a backwards assed mosquito infested hick town that smells like Eau De Bullshït every day.) I won't use any real names here (just because that's the webmaster's policy). But, I think the best one I ever saw on that sign was last year when it said "Happy Birthday Betty C@$e, Chuck's Ex". Even though it was tacky as hell, it was actually funny and really showed just how bright the people are down at the city office. I mean, thanks for clearing up which "Betty C@$e" was born that day, that was mighty considerate of you! (Let's hear it for the level of "professionalism" down at the city office. And they're really concerned about what is and isn't an eyesore here?) If they don't have any birthday wishes to post for the day, I think they should just post "Danger, don't look at www.minatarenebraska.com!!!" on the sign.

Gossip - January 25, 2006: (Submitted by B.K.) Love the website! Hey, that joke at the bottom of the home page about the underground mosquito farm made me laugh and wonder how far it actually was from the truth. The mosquito problem here has been an issue ever since the city started doing their own spraying (what little they actually do). I remember when they said they were going to start doing it and charging residents $1.00 per month on their water bill for it. A lot of people bitched about it and the mayor said something to the effect of "let's see you spray your yard 3 times a week for $1.00 per month". (You know what? I'd like to see the mosquito sprayer operator doing his job three times a week too!) All they do is charge people money for it year round and make up lame excuses for not doing it, even when the weather conditions are perfectly favorable. I've heard excuses from "the sprayer is broken" to "we're out of chemical and our supplier can't get it anymore" to "we can't afford to pay our only certified sprayer operator overtime". (It's too bad they don't put as much effort into doing their jobs as they put into doctoring up excuses for not doing their jobs.) If their sprayer was broken or if they were out of chemical, they can can easily get both from any neighboring town around here. As for paying their only certified sprayer operator overtime, bullshït, he's paid a flat monthly salary, check out the city budget sometime. He just doesn't want the mosquito spraying duty to cut into his beer drinking time or sleeping on the job time.

News - January 21, 2006: Woo-Hoo, the search engine spiders are starting to index this website! That means very soon, if/when somebody goes to any major internet search engine and types "Minatare" into the search field, this site will most likely end up as the first search result real soon since that's part of the domain name! Why the hell anybody would ever want to do a search for this town is beyond me, but I guess it actually happens. Man, traffic is really picking up here. It's like this site has become an instant Nebraska cult classic.

News - January 20, 2006: I've received quite a few messages from people in the past 24 hours asking what they should send as far as pictures and news & gossip is concerned. It really doesn't matter, as long as you think it's something that other visitors to this site would like to see or read. Happen to have a car or camper under a tarp in your back yard that you got a citation for because the tarp was torn and it supposedly violated some backwards-assed city ordinance created for no other purpose than to generate revenue? Meanwhile, some guy down the street has far more shït piled up in his back yard than anybody you know, yet the city never has cited him for it. Send me pictures of both so they can be featured here along with your story. There's lots of backwards-assed shït that happens in Minatare that most residents aren't aware of, but I'm sure they'd thank you for letting them know about it. Your pictures and news will help "spread the word" and get us a competent mayor in 2008, and hopefully a more sensible city council and competent city employees.


XeroxLeft 2006 - Some Trailer Trash, All Rights Reversed (See My Disclaimer) This is a satire/parody website, if you take it 100% seriously, then you're a freakin' idiot!